My daughter was born two weeks late and I was frantic with anticipation. I wanted that baby to come. She came when she was ready, however and she's been in control ever since. When they handed her to me she had very alert eyes and she seemed to be looking all around the room . She seemed to be of a knowing nature. They say babies can't see well when they are born. She never cried. She was peaceful and quiet. She was the perfectly formed little baby all pink and cute. No screaming and no crying....just perfect silence and wide-eyed interest.

How would one know that in that moment we would set a bond that would hold throughout our lives and relationship. Things have pretty much stayed the same with my daughter. She's always the one in control and she never cries. She is very strong.

I've lost my daughter to those things in life that just happen from that first moment of life together. She was lost to me when she was born and she remains lost to me. Karmic bonds that long ago set things in motion for this life move silently through to final result.

She never wanted to be at home. I became a single mom when she was 10. She assumed responsibility for her brother, who was 7. I was so relieved to be out from under the rock of my marriage that even though it was harder, I celebrated my independence. I become a "Super Mom". Career and being a MOM was all there was for me.

We were all casualties to a dysfunctional lifestyle and the damage of a broken home. Somehow I made the mortgage payment and bought the school clothes....when she graduated, we did not have the money for her graduation ring. There were many things like that. She never thought she would attend college.

Seven years later, I met someone and married him. We managed to put her through her first year at Cal Poly and pay off her car. She finished on grants and loans. She is a successful professional in her field, is married and has two beautiful boys.

I felt somewhat relieved that she seemed to be the one that made it through it all and I rejoiced that I had a child that was complete and full of life. Her brother was diagnosed while she was in college with Bi-Polar Disorder and Severe Depression. She was so self-sufficient and accomplished. I leaned on her for support.

We moved through our lives....we moved to Salinas and bought a house big enough to hold a two generation family. Our son needed to live with us. My daughter maintained a closed relationship with us.

She came to me one day and told me that she was in crisis and that she had been in counseling for help. After several years, she had finally recalled that her father had sexually molested her and that her inability to connect or to trust was a direct result from this abuse.

It turned my world upside down. Let it suffice to say that it rocked my very self. The one thing in life that was at the core of who I was as a person was that of being a "good MOM". It would take me long months to come to terms with the truth of that day. My daughter shared with me that she could not remember her childhood and that she felt robbed of the love she was sure I had showered on her. Locked in her world of torment and torture she could not allow that love in or even recognize it. I felt it. I knew it on some level but not on the cognitive level. I just thought my daughter to be a self-reliant person and I gave her the permission to be who she was.

How could I have been so wrong. My son's condition worsened over the next several years and my daughter finally did not want to see him or have him near her children. It broke his heart and mine. I needed her and she needed me. We were separated by these unfathomable things that keeps us apart. I didn't know how to help her and I wanted to deny it all. I had my hands full with a child trying to commit suicide every other month and getting mentally unstable.

I've lost my daughter on so many levels and yet I really never had my daughter. She has been lost to me from that time of her birth. She knows not of all the kisses and hugs she got. She knows not of the swimming lessons, or the bows that were glued on her head because she had no hair. She knows not of my tears when she went away to kindergarden. She knows not of how proud of her I have always been and how much I have always needed her. She is so strong and she has withstood this all alone. Alone is the only safe place she has. She has conquered so much and she has done it in the state of alone. I have waves of love for my daughter and I miss her so. I pray that some day we can be together and know each other in love and friendship. I would really like to know her and I would wish that she not be alone.

Abuse is a terrible thing. If you know someone who has suffered abuse. Learn everything you can about recovery and be there for them. She's aready made a lifetime of recovery and progress. God bless and keep her and all those who are abused.